The run up to half term. I may be dead by then…

half term at the end of the week. one of the teachers turned round to me today and told me I looked like absolute shit. Horrible cold, hacking cough, sinus pain, tired as all hell. I get home and my eye balloons up with a stye. Or maybe I’m just going through a biblical plague?

I’m still working on the plan to get more sleep, which in turn, should make me feel healthier throughout the day. Granted, the planned 1:30am last night turned into nearer 3am by the time I hit bed. But tonight? It’s 1:30am already. Maybe 2am and try to wind it back through the week and into half term?

Oh, this December malaise ……

So far December hasn’t been the best of months.

There’s loads of things I need to do and I’m singularly failing to get anything done. But my main problem at the moment is that my brain feels rather fried. And it’s affecting the creative side of things. I sit and sit and stare at the screen and try to write. But what comes out is either garbage or simply clumsy and it’s getting really rather annoying. It took me several days to get the last review done and it’s taking me far more to get the current one done.

My problem (okay, one of my many problems, but the one most directly affecting me now) is that I can’t just review at half speed. I refuse to just trot some half work out, badly composed and badly written. But this does mean that when I’m left staring, staring, staring at the screen. I shall leave it for now and come back to it later. Or tomorrow. But I will get it done. And I will get it done properly. Such is my curse. The review shelf is creaking under the weight of books at the moment, it’s over 40 at the moment. This means that even if I do the review marathon that I did last month (20 in November) I’d still need to be working solidly through to February. Ridiculous. I really do need to cut down slightly. But it’s very difficult when there’s all this great stuff coming out.

On top of all of this there’s the traditional Christmas buildup. This should be a good thing, but in my case, the Christmas buildup actually means me getting stressed over the amount of work I have to do to get everything ready. I realise it’s stupid, but I really can’t help it. Currently I’m trying to get the last lot of present shopping done, which as usual involves a ridiculous amount of work to find just the right present or find something new and different for Molly to give to Louise for Christmas. The problem with Molly getting older is that I’ve now had to do this 27 times (special presents from Molly for birthday, christmas and mother’s day) and I’m rather running out of ideas that don’t cost a fortune. We’ve done mugs, paintings, letters, decorative items. But I think it’s okay for this year, although so far it’s taken me about 4 hours on scanning photos into the computer to even get anywhere near finishing.

Then we have the problems with school. I’m really, really behind with everything at the moment. And Christmas is hardly the best time to try to catch up. I’ve now got 10 school days left. Take away the last day and that leaves just 9. Take away the morning of the final Thursday when the staff are all dressing up as ABBA and performing and that’s just 8.5 days.

Stress? Just a little bit.
In fact it all came to a head earlier on today (it’s still sunday night to me as I’m writing this). The morning was spent shopping for Christmas stuff and then a trip to Langlands to see Santa. All the way through both I was fretting and stressing about just how much I’d got to get done. Standing in a freezing cold queue at Langlands waiting for Santa didn’t much help either. Molly’s hyper and wonderfully excited about seeing Santa and there’s me; miserable.

I did manage to cheer up a little however and by the time we eventually got back home from putting mom and dad’s christmas tree up I at least had a plan. If the reviewing isn’t working for a little while, then I’ll hit the schoolwork and try to get a lot of that done in one go. The thinking is that I finish all the years lesson planning and prep before Christmas and then concentrate on the website after christmas until April. And I shall review when I feel up to it, or rather when my brain actually has another creative thought.

It’s a plan. Not the best of plans perhaps, but a plan nonetheless.

It’s a Wonderful Life ……. Oh yes it is.

Today was a day of surprises, disasters, redemption through film and a shocking realisation…..

So, let me tell you a story…..
The day started out much like any other Sunday; slowly, tiredly and with a blistering headache. Our plan to head off to York to see some Christmas stuff and do a little shopping was altered slightly when I got the idea into my thick head to get the car washed today. Realising none of the car washes would be working due to the freezing weather but I figured we’d head out to the hand car wash on the A1079.

Off we went and joined the queue. The long queue. But my wonderful wife and child agreed that we’d stay in the queue as we might as well get it all done now. Time passes, we snake slowly forward in the queue as each car comes out glistening. It’s freezing cold, the heater’s on and the radio is keeping us company.

Can you see where this one’s going? All that electrical stuff on and the car stopped without the engine running?

Yes, I went to turn it on and got nothing. Just that sickening click, click, click of a dead battery. I’d love to say I handled it well. Love to be able to say that I kept completely cool. But I didn’t. I did the works, got upset, shouted about how unfair it all was and what a crappy day it was. Moaned about the money it was going to cost to get fixed, shouted a lot and upset Louise and Molly.

To skip to the end, we got a jump start, drove home and since then I’ve turned it over a few times during the night and all seems well. Whether it will be okay in the morning I have no idea; guess I’ll find out in the morning. Molly and Louise accepted my apologies for blowing my top and we settled down for the night.

Which is when it started to get slightly strange. Because tonight all three of us went to Pocklington Arts Centre to see It’s A Wonderful Life.

It’s A Wonderful Life is one of my favourite Christmas films. Along with Miracle On 34th Street and Love Actually it’s a film I will always end up watching at some point during the Christmas season. So to have it at the local cinema was something we just couldn’t pass up. We even convinced Molly to come along and she rather enjoyed it. Some things went over her head perhaps and it was rather a surprise for her to see both mummy and daddy wiping away tears. I always start blubbing when George is on the bridge and realises that he’s got his second chance and it gets much worse as he’s running back down Main St of Bedford Fall. But I start to really weep at the very end, as the townsfolk come in and give George money to rescue him and the Buildings and Loans firm. I controlled it somewhat with Molly there, but there were still plentiful tears to wipe away by the end.

So, what do these two things have in common? The battery and my moods and It’s A Wonderful Life? Well, as Louise pointed out to me afterwards – I am George Bailey. It’s me on screen. Okay, not the owning a bank, saving his brother’s life and generally being the lynchpin of his community, but the moods, the stresses, the feeling of confinement and that life is just bearing down on me – that’s all me.

Oh, dear god. She’s right as well.

I guess the start of December is as good a place as any to make a change then?

Buzzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzz. That’s the inside of my head that is.

Having a really crappy week. At the risk of repeating myself and being frankly boring my back is really playing up, I’m on painkillers and anti-inflams and they’re not really working. Or maybe they are and I just haven’t noticed. Maybe this is the new normal? Maybe this is what I should be used to now?

On top of that I seem to have a headache most of the time at night. Most likely this is down to a chronic lack of sleep.

But the computer is buzzing at me. Annoyingly, low whiny, buzzy noises. And I can’t work out whether it’s the computer or my ears. Louise says it’s about as loud as it used to be so I guess it’s my ears getting worse then.

Which is more bad news then. Tinitus getting worse. Fan-fucking-tastic. Noise and more noise. Low level buzzy noises, ambient noise. Tinitus. buzzy, buzzy, buzzy. All the time. Especially late at night. Which is when I write most stuff. Arse.

And I can’t drink on these painkillers for my back.
And when I wake up in a few hours I have the prospect of 6 hours of Learning Platform Vision Day. That will be fun.

Lazy Sunday and planning art for school; Pollock, Mondrian good. Rangoli bad.

Got up late, rolled out of bed, crawled around the floor for a few minutes until my back decided to play along.

Things are still pretty bad with the back, although the painkillers do help. Overall I think it’s improving but it’s doing so very. Very slowly. Hopefully a week at work where I’m careful again will see it sorted. But I think another trip to the doctor may be called for. The one on Friday just didn’t give me the answers I was after. What I’d really like is the doc to send me along to physio again and see if there’s anything else they can do. Unlikely perhaps but I shall try.

Eventually, after the back started working again, I got up, headed downstairs and joined family for a chiling day. After the past few weeks of non stop activity it was good to actually have some down time. And for one reason and another the next few weeks in October are going to be very, very, very busy as well with packed weekends. More on that later.

Now feeling chilled enough to contemplate a little bit of computery work. Blogging, Reviewing and then creating resources for Year 2 ICT unit that we’re starting after half term. It’s a very good one this time, much fun for the kids and for me. The unit’s called Creating Pictures. So my plan was to spend 7 weeks working to the plan we came up with last year. One week of introductory stuff, two weeks of making Jackson Pollock artwork, two weeks making Mondrian artwork, two weeks of making Christmas stuff on the computer. A great plan, perfectly timed for the half term. The kids love beiung able to use the paint programs and actually making things they can compare to the work of famous artists.

I even found this fantastic flash website that helps you create your own Jackson Pollock. Very simple, lots of fun:

Except that’s not the way it’s going to happen. Because the student teacher has had an idea. This is rarely a good idea and invariably means a lot more work for me. She wants to compress Pollock and Mondrian into a lesson each (doubtful) and spend two weeks getting the children to make Rangoli patterns. This is purely because she’s decided to be clever and get all cross-curricular on me. This covers ICT, art, geography and D&T and she gets to tick lots of boxes.

At the time I explained that to do it properly the way she wanted it (pupils have Rangoli templates that they can then use fill on the computers to colour in) would take more expertise than our 6 year olds have. But she’s determined. I had a good go at making it work but it just isn’t possible to do with a 6 year old in two half hour sessions. So I have stopped and will give her the great news tomorrow.

Now, back to reviewing stuff…

I love my chair …….

Well, after having the last one for over 10 years I finally went out today and got myself a new chair for the office. After having sat on the last one for so long, until it’s giving me no support and the pad under my backside is little more than a board with a thin layer of cotton over it.

Getting the new chair is just part of a number of changes I’m trying to make happen to try and do something positive about my back. After all, if I just took what the doctor said as gospel, I’d be just moaning about this troublesome back and chomping down more and more painkillers.

So tonight I sit it a chair that feels like it is gently caressing my buttocks whilst giving me a back massage at the same time. In fact it may be slightly counterproductive to writing as I’m currently just sitting and rocking gently back and forth in the chair rather than typing stuff.

I love my chair and it loves me back……

Old, Old, Old, Old, Old. Knackered, Knackered, Knackered, Knackered.

My back hurts.

In fact my back has hurt for ages. I do what I can to make it better and some days it’s okay. But last week it went again. I was doing all the usual stuff, all the exercises, sitting rifht at the computer, using the back rest, getting up regularly, all of the things the physiotherapist told me to do when I went there about a year ago. But nothing seemed to make it better. After being in some agony over the weekend at the comic show I phoned the doctor and made an appointment.

You know there’s no point visiting the doctor about the problem when he listens carefully to your moaning and then asks you what else you think we can do. So essentially I just got a lecture about back pain, some notes and some stronger painkiillers.

I wandered home feeling utterly crap, very old and rather worn out. This weekend I shall be resting. Don’t expect much on the blog.

Busy weekend doing nothing?

Well, up here in Yorkshire we’ve had pretty much the same weekend as everyone else; biblical type rain and nothing else. This, together with Louise not being very well has meant an indoors weekend, recharging batteries.

This is good and bad. Good because we all felt exhausted after the first week back at school and bad because I’m physically incapable of actually sitting still at the moment.

I’m still plowing my way through the review shelf. Although after a very good week of 8 reviews in 7 days, there’s only 14 things left to be reviewed now. Not that I’ll ever get the review shelf down to nothing, as there’s new stuff coming in all the time. Just this week saw a few new books come in the post to be reviewed; Paul Gravett’s new book and two from Jonathan Cape; Gentleman Jim and the Essential Dykes To Watch Out For. All three look very good indeed and I’m looking forward to sitting down and reading them.

On top of this a very busy few days at work has meant I’m behind with getting lesson prep done and really needed to sit down and spend a few hours on Sunday getting it sorted otherwise the entire week at work was going to consist of a lot of lessons done on the fly and I don’t like doing that too much.

So while Louise and Molly chilled, I was beavering away upstairs. One day I shall rest, but no time yet it seems. However, even with all this activity my anxiety seems to be on it’s way down. The current plan of action (oh, how I love my plans) is to keep going for the next week with schoolwork and reviewing. Get the review shelf down to a couple of books and then settle back into a cycle of 1 or 2 a week. Get the school work back under control and keep it there. Then I shall have a week off, sort out the sleep and start relaxing again.

Too much to do, Too much to do, Too much to do….. Anxiety time

Of course, after such a wonderful holiday, it seemed only fair that things come crashing down again.
Not only do I have to contend with the oncoming return to school after 6 weeks off, but I appear to be rather unwell.

So unwell in fact that I went to the doctor about it. He reckons it’s possibly a chest infection that’s causing the tightness in my chest and the fluttering heart. But I’ve talked to others who think it has far more chance of being Anxiety of some sort.

Those who know me will, at this point, be nodding their heads in a knowing and not very surprised way. But for those that don’t: I’m a melancholic (depressive) with crap sleeping habits, a tendency to obsess over even the smallest things and a habit of getting stressed over these self same tiny problems. (See Black Dog, Sleep and Health for examples)

So the idea of me being overly anxious is so plausible as to be almost certain. Especially when we have a little look at some of the symptoms:

(From NHS Direct & The BBC) People with generalised anxiety may find that they:

• easily lose their patience
• have difficulty concentrating
• think constantly about the worst outcome
• have difficulty sleeping
• become depressed and/or
• become preoccupied with, or obsessional about, one subject

These mental symptoms lead to, and are supported by, physical symptoms. These can include:

• excessive thirst
• periods of intense pounding heart
• periods of feeling winded
• headaches
• dizziness
• pins and needles

That’s exactly me. The mental symptoms are me all the time. The physical ones have manifested over the last few weeks or longer, culminating in the pounding heart and tightness in the chest I’m feeling now. I think I see a radical change in lifestyle coming on.
So of course, as in so many things, now that I have been to the doctors and then got more information I’m probably going to have to go back to the doctors and ask him about Anxiety and if it could be exactly what’s causing them problems. But at least now, between the possible treatment from the doctor and an idea of what’s going on I can try to effect some improvements.

And as usual with any posts about my health, please don’t worry, all is fine. I’m posting it because I’m working on it. Actually writing about it makes me feel better about it, isolates it, defines it and makes me concentrate on making it better.
It’s all the crap I don’t write about that you need to be worrying about!

Bizarre Chair induced toe injury

Oh, I forgot to mention in my little roundup of Molly’s birthday party that I think I’ve broken a toe.

This is what you get for dropping a chair onto it from a great height. I was trying to do the right thing and not drop Molly’s birthday cake at the time and could but watch as the chair tipped over and the edge of the seat hurtled down to the floor. Luckily my toe was there to stop it or it may have been injured.

My toe didn’t hurt much at the time, certainly no more than if I’d stubbed it, but I noticed a little later that it was getting hot, starting to throb and, tellingly, seemed to be bending backwards at a point that wasn’t a proper joint. It’s a few hours later now and it’s painful, but not too bad (painkillers and gin doing the trick there then) but is still doing the bending where it’s not supposed to bend trick.

I know full well of course that there’s no point going to the doctor about it. If it’s broken all they’d do is tell me to rest it, elevate it, apply ice and strap it to the next toe. All of this I can do. I haven’t been for an X-ray, that’s just some broken toe X-ray from the interwebby.